Colleague or Competitor? How Female Rivalry Hurts Us All

A common problem women face every day is competition. Whether it’s at work or in social settings, there aren’t many situations where there’s no thought regarding how well-liked or attractive we may seem. And you can’t blame women; look at all the names thrown about when women make it to the top of their careers, when they have “too many” relationships, or when they try to enter into a profession that is predominantly male. Hint: they aren’t positive! Whether your idea of competition is “friendly” or not, the nature of female vs. female works against us. 

Subconscious Beliefs

A popular theory as to why this happens is that women carry internalized patriarchy. Per Psychology Today, Noam Shpancer Ph.D. stated, “According to this argument, cutthroat female competition is due mainly to the fact that women, born and raised in male-dominated society, internalize the male perspective (the “male gaze”) and adopt it as their own.” Many girls grow up thinking they need male attention and approval to feel accepted in society because, frankly, that’s how much of the world works. It’s easier to put another woman down to push yourself to the center instead of looking inward and wondering why you are comparing yourself with other women. 

“To boost ourselves up, we put other women down who we deem as threatening to put the attention back in our direction”

What About Men? 

That’s not to say that there isn’t a competition problem among men as well. It's not that men don't compete; but it manifests in different ways. As Psychology Today said, “Men try to derogate their rivals by disparaging their economic and physical strength, while women criticize the age, appearance and character of their opponents.” These are the traits that we see as attractive to the opposite sex: being attractive, young, and charming. To boost ourselves up, we put other women down who we deem as threatening to put the attention back in our direction. Somehow, competitive men seem to rise while women tend to fall when plagued with jealousy and a bruised ego; which is why we need to work together. 

Emily V. Gordon said in The New York Times, “We aren’t competing with other women, ultimately, but with ourselves — with how we think of ourselves. For many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter, something more. We don’t see the other woman at all.” Though the problem didn’t start with women, it is perpetuated by women. We rely on others to give us the approval we should be seeking within ourselves. Though many theories suggest that women search for male approval, I’d argue that women want to be accepted by other women more than men. 

Flipping the Paradigm

So what can we do? Instead of demeaning another woman for carrying traits you envy, turn that energy into admiration and determination. Advocate for yourself and your best qualities as opposed to pointing out flaws in another, and maybe one day we can all be the leaders we want to be.

By MNT2LEAD featured writer Jacqueline Bailey

Contact Jacqueline at  https://www.linkedin.com/in/jacqueline-b-80972b98/